Help me to Improve my English writing

All Notes are in English. I write about my love who I f*ked up in our relationship and I miss her so much. Please give me any feedback about my writing or anything else. 

Thank you in advance.

Eighteen

I am thinking about you and dieing. Please help me. Just say my name. 

Seventeen

Is that it? Now, I am in Europe and have the worst time ever. Nobody to talk. Nobody to love. Nobody to live. 

This is what I feel these days. Completely alone. 

Now, I am thinking about killing myself again. Is it possible? 

I just want to talk to you my fishi. I know you hate me. But I need your voice. your presence. I have not imagined this life. I am sure I was wrong. But what can I do?

I stuck in this f*cking life.

I have nothing to say anymore. 

God please help me to die. This is the last thing I want. Please. Are you there? I need this death.  

sixteen

Is it really hard to understand what I want? I know no body can see me. I really hate this life. Where are you my love? I wish I can do something to bring you into my life. I need you. Maybe more than ever. 

Everyday I just think about how I can touch you, feel you, and love you more. 

I know I am crazy. I probably never see again. 

I do not know what to do. 

I can not live without you. 

I regret my past with you every second of my life. 

I hope I can be with you soon. 

Pleas God, help me. 

I love my goddess more than any thing and any one in my life. 

My fishi. 

Fifteen

Anyway, after bargaining with a few people, I got married. I regretted it just after a month! I could not. However, it seems that there is no ending for the floors of hell! I just came down and down in these floors. The marriage, which I thought continued for at most two years have continued until now because of family and other problems. I texted her a few times during these times. But what for? It is obvious that she does not want to look at me at all. Once she was so pissed off and told my wife. Last time she said she wants to marry to a guy. She said she hates me and forgets me. The only task which I do every day is to watch her profile pictures. The floors of hell are not over yet and I just have a record. Record of indifference. Record of being in to hell. Record of breaking. Record of nocturnal cries. Goddess

I tortured the purest and most innocent girl in my whole life. Of course, the word torture is not a good description for what I did to her but I cannot find a better word. After military service, I just have one wish and that is to look at her somewhere and …. If I was sure that I could look at her after my death like movies, I certainly do it. Anyway, there is no hope in this world. There is no meaning in the word hope for a person who committed suicide multi times. Goddess

I should add that I tortured this angel so hard which I cannot think even her god can forgive me.

Fourteen

Until she signed for the PhD exam, (we called it ‘konkor’ in our country). I know she will be accepted as a PhD student. She is so talented. I just pray she will be accepted far from me. The distance between two lovers is the best answer for running away from each other. She got in with the best score. Third in a country. I was very happy and shared my happiness with my friends! Happiness of the running away! Happiness of starting living in hell! I cut our relationship less than a year after. It seems that all my body’s part were broken. I was in no mood for doing something. I just finished my MSc and should start my military service. I just remember all my memories with her with hearing or looking at each English word or anything related to English! It made me crazy. After a while, my life was a disaster. I had to get married. I should be married in the next two or three month. Well, why did I propose to my only love of my life? Since she had everything and I have nothing. Especially, deserving her. I knew in the first place that the reason for running way is she, not me. She is awesome. I am nothing. Therefore, I should not engage her in my miserable life. She should not see real me. She deserves much much much more.

To be continued....

Thirteen

This is the first time ever somebody reads this. Please tell me every curse you know which may come into your mind after reading next paragraphs. Because I have cursed myself everyday with words like; idiot, inept (my father’s favorite), trash, psycho.

I have not wanted to be a lover on that time. I have hated to be attached to someone or something. I did even ran away from my family. Until I found someone. Like other boys on that age and time, I met her in Yahoo. Our first date was in our university. We sat on two separate bench because we afraid of university securities. I did not have a fear about these guys but when I met her I scared. My heart was tearing apart. However, indeed I was a master of self-control. Especially, control of emotional. I knew myself as a totally reasonable and an introverted boy. From the first day I heard her voice I was surprised. I should not depend on someone but even her voice hypnotized me. Voice? Come on! Beethoven?  No! Her voice was the best music of the world of all time. Who’s Beethoven! I decided to run away when I first met her. But I could not. I did whatever I could but finally I get back to her. The earth gravity was towards her. Her face, I was in love with every single part of her body. The first girl stood beside me in a train and talked to me. The first girl I kissed her hand. The first girl I kissed her lips in a dark alley. The first girl I put my hand on her shoulders in a taxi. And so many other first things which some of them was the last one! I was a religious man. But when I saw her I changed my Kiblah and I just have had one word to say for praying: Goddess

To be continued...

Twelve

She just removed me from her contact in Linked again. I know I can't text her or talk to her. Because she hates me. 

I don't know what ti do. She wants to get married to someone else. 

Maybe she is right. I shouldn't bother her. But I can't! I love her. I LOVE you please understand and wait for me. Please

Ten

Tomorrow will be her birthday!! Happy birthday my love. 

I know I can't congratulate to you. 

Every night I dream about you. Dreaming about your hands, your face, your hug, ...

Is there a way to make these dreams true? 

nine

Well. This is my awful life which I must tolerate. I know you don't want me. But I LOVE you. 

Almost every night, I think about you and our moments in the past. What a stupid man I am! I ignored your love. I know I have many mistakes. I don't want this life without you. 

I really want you to be my children's mother. just you and no one else. I really want to sacrifice myself in front of you to show you my love. 

I am all yours. Please Please let me try this one more time. I promise you, swear to god, this time I will be all yours. 

Shame on me. F*ck my miserable life. Without you I am nothing. I don't want anything. I know you don't want to hear these things from me but these are all true. My heart is just beating because of you. My heart belongs to you. 

F*ckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

eight

Well we talked. As I expected, she said: "I never forget you. I don't love you any more. I am getting married in two month. You were the most awful person I ever met. You broke my heart badly. ..."

So, As I thought, I can't expect a miracle. 

I am so depressed. Actually I really feel dead inside. To be honest, I lose my hope.